A Take On Parenthood

What is it? Who are they? Are they god? Yes, because they have brought us up. So then they are god, but gods do forgive. But they won’t because they are human beings, so then they are human beings. But humans do make mistakes, so does every living being. But according to ‘societal norms’ “they are the ones who can never do anything wrong”. So, WHO ARE PARENTS ACTUALLY?

Let me first start with a little story of my own, I was obviously born through the cumulative effort of my parents. The effort was a pleasurable one not the one where you shed sweat for working 2hours on a data sheet or panting while you’re on the run, no it is where you lose weight with a great amount of orgasm and yes good orgasm. Therefore I came into being. So my mom was 19 years of age when she got me and my dad was 35 years. Yes, shocked? Don’t be they are absolutely correct, come on how can Raina Sen and Gautam Sen be wrong? Yes although my maternal grandparents were totally against the marriage of their daughter at the age of 18, my father convinced them eventually because he is a gem of a person. I Kavya Sen was born into a world of orthodox beliefs and norms but on a very honest note my mother never made feel the pressure of the norms of my house. My life was smooth enough, with occasional scolding and beating from my mother, and yes fights with my paternal grandmother whom I referred to as Ma. Ma is one of a kind, she is that thorn in your throat which you cannot swallow nor can you take it out. She made life difficult for my mother in this 150 year old house, which might topple over your head anytime, be careful! Still my mother was a woman who could adapt well to the environment and change it, she exactly knew how to play her cards well and she did. My father was not the kind to talk between house matters; his life was all about his business and getting money to feed the family. I was told from my childhood, “your father works hard to feed us, be grateful”. So the first thing I learned about parents was ‘Be grateful, they feed you’. It’s not their way of living but a burden to carry. That’s how I interpreted it. I was always told money was a difficult thing to get; yes it is rather very difficult that I understand now at the age of 20, but when I was small I could hear mom and dad fighting about spending too much money. Yes, my mother was a shopaholic which eventually stops. I remember dad taunting mom about how he gets the money which she and I have to live on. My father was a person with a lot of stuck up principles; maybe I don’t blame him for his way of looking at things, but yes I do definitely blame him for not understanding or adjusting to the surrounding. He despised people who consumed alcohol and smoked cigarettes or any kind of intoxicating elements. His ideology was that alcohols made people lose their heads and do stuff which send disgusting vibes down his spine. And smoking killed people. Yes true, very true but there are exceptions dear, you’re not the one to decide the ‘rights and wrongs’ of people they can do that for themselves. Life is about living it, but he spent too much time judging it. As I wrote earlier I don’t blame him, alcohol destroyed the factory which his paternal great grandfather had established. The best of best iron was made in ‘Sen Ironworks’. My father loved visiting the factory with his great grandfather whom he called ‘daju’, my father was daju’s precious little lad. Daju was an occasional alcohol consumer and smoker. At the age of 85, when my father was 10 years of age, daju started deteriorating physically. He had brain cancer and his kidneys had failed. The shock of losing daju and the factory at the age of 10 to substance abuse was a ground where he built his hatred for alcohol and smoking. Oh yes my father has a younger sister Sneha Sen, whom everyone called Titli. Titli was her moms beloved asset, this is where he never got the love of his mother never understood the bond of parents with their children should be open and friendly because he never received anything but commands to feed the house and earn. And that’s what he did made himself strong, struggled with only 10 rupees in his pocket, travelled sleeping in front of the train bathrooms and made and empire of computer training and services. Now he is director Gautam Sen of TTPL, the owner of 10 offices around West Bengal, 4 houses one in Kolkata and the other 3 in shantiniketan, 3 cars and 3 bikes, and the boss of over 40 employees. Yes I am indeed proud of him. He was a free spirited man in his early 20s, as I’ve heard from my mother, he stayed late nights at friends places and hanged around with girls, went to picnic with his sisters friends and that’s where he met Sunaina, his first wife. Sunaina Sharma, Miss Calcutta, and a known page 3 face now. Back then she was struggling when she met my father. She was friends with now very renowned faces of Tollywood. The marriage only lasted for 2 years and she filed a divorce. My father says she was into extra marital affair with her photographer and directors; there he developed his ground for hatred towards the field of acting, and modeling. My other relatives say she was a nice girl tortured by her mother in law, begging for her husband’s support. But all she got was abuses. She aborted her child and filed a divorce as she wanted to pursue her career. Now she stands independent and happily married to a man for 10 years. My mother, a born dancer and performer. Had a very chilled out childhood with a lot of male friends and a lot of surprises and good family bonds. She too has a sister Chhaya Ray, who is 11 years older than my mother. I called my maternal grandfather ‘dadai’. For dadai my mom was the apple of his eye, there wasn’t a word called ‘No’ in his dictionary for her. So when she said she wants to marry a divorced man of 34 years of age at the age of 18, he was hurt but never said ‘No’. So here was a man of 34 who married a girl of 18, made her pregnant at 19 and asked her to spend her crucial adulthood nurturing a child and making her in laws happy, where she should have thought about career and enjoyed her youth days. Yes I do feel sad for that 18 year old. Therefore I accepted her extra marital affair with Sandeep Hooda, the party animal-rich-hunk, but married. I was 14 years when I found out that my mother was with another man. I never understood what it meant, was it wrong? Yes it was, she was married with my father and it was completely wrong. She had a spare phone with which she spoke to Sandeep Hooda whom I called Brat, I used to sneak up at night and check the phone, the messages used to send shivers down my spine, they were bold and I did understand every bit of the sex conversations. I even saw videos of my mother and that brat kissing, drinking alcohol and smoking in a flat. At that point I had completely lost my mind never uttered a word about it to anyone, just felt helpless and alone. Over the years I hated that person, but somehow I couldn’t hate my mother. So I kept shut and so did the relation go on. I was 16 when my mother confessed on her own she was in love with this Sandeep Hooda man. I was too scared to say I knew everything or even so that I hated that person. But I smiled and hugged her thinking she needed someone. I pretended to like him but never could accept him. Yes but brat did treat me like his daughter, took me out for dinner, lunch, partying etc. But its true every dog has his day, my father found out and there was a massacre at home, he hit my mother threw her out of the house and sent e-mails to everyone one of our family friends and family regarding her affair. It was a shame what my parents were up tp. But I kept tight never left anyone of them. Never let anyone think how broken I was, how irritating it all was getting. After few months I had convinced my father to get her home, and so she was back. No one spoke to her but I was her pillar of strength always. But now that I think of it ‘that’ was my biggest mistake. She was my mother and I felt it was my duty to make her feel better so I asked her to continue her affair with Mr. Hooda. And slowly things settled in, my father never suspected, I always covered up. She started coming home drunk at times, and I covered up. She went for late night partying with brat whenever dad was away in shantiniketan, and I always covered up. But honestly the feeling of knowing your mother is with someone else is like pouring water full of electricity, it used to send disgusting vibes down my spine. But I kept quite. I kind of liked brat, he wasn’t a bad person. The man was pure from his heart and clear about the fact that he would never leave his wife and daughter but does love my mother. I started thinking about the issue and came to a conclusion that it’s ok to be in love with someone else, but not cheating. This is did tell my mother. She gave me another dose of reality, my father was having an affair with his secretary whom she found out much before she and Sandeep started dating. Now here at this point I was in a whirl, so whom was I going to trust? My mother or my father? No, parents? Parents, yes I get back to my question again who are parents actually? They are the ones who groom you, nurture you and unconditionally love you. Yes they are the ones who trust you the most and respect you in every way. They are the ones to support and guide you through life, one step at a time. But no they aren’t always correct in whatever they say. They may be wiser, maybe older, maybe more experienced but what is experience till you haven’t got one? I believe anyone at any age can go through the same experience a 50year old is going through. Like I experienced the confusion of extra marital affairs and relationship, did my father and mother experience the same at the age of 14? Did they? Did they cry night after night at the haunting thought of another entity touching their mother or father? ‘Experience’ can take place anywhere anytime you just have to open your eyes and think. So, my point was then I am the only bond that is keeping this already dead marriage alive. Yes I was reminded each day by my father at the age of 17 that am the reason my mother is in this house or else she would’ve been kicked out long ago. And my mother reminded me how her life was over and she could never enjoy it. At home this was the situation they could not even look at each other but outside at my father’s social Rotary gathering they were the ‘charming couple’. Oh how disgusting it made feel. I used to flinch at whenever they hugged and held hands. But me being me I smiled and pretended I was pleased to the core. So here I learned parents are the biggest hypocrites. And they lie the most to their children. My mother dominated my life. She took all the decisions of my life yes I did appreciate that, so I turned out to be a pampered girl. Yes she did let me do everything starting from wearing shorts, to being funky, to having boyfriends and relations. I had friends I went out with them had fun partied. My father never complained because my mom didn’t. My responsibility was totally on my mother so my father never bothered except for being my credit card. But yes I was always reminded that I should be grateful for the money he gets and the house I stay in. now that I think of it if my parents won’t pay for me who will? Yes I will earn I will do something but till then I’ll be constantly put under a drill of reminders to be grateful? But my mother was like a friend we discussed about everything but her consumption of alcohol had taken a toll on her and whenever I asked her not to drink too much she shouted at me saying “you are the reason why I have such a dreadful life” she used to hit me and abuse me. Lately talking to her wasn’t an option. But she complains. My point of writing so much was, yes I was caught kissing my best friend who is a boy and the person I trust the most now. I was caught by my father and was hit too. We were scared it made me feel like a criminal as if I have killed somebody or gotten pregnant. But is kissing my best friend on the lips such a huge crime? That am not allowed to go out of the house and do what I like? Yes I was called a prostitute by my mother cause I kissed a boy whom I referred to as friend. Yes I was looked upon as a piece of shame to my father. But is this a big issue? Is it a crime? Can’t two people just by mistake kiss? Yes there were feelings, basic instincts, sex is a basic instinct everyone has done it and read it. But we just kissed and I already feel like Taliban. Locked up in my house not allowed to see my best friend just cause we kissed? My mother claims we broke her ‘trust’. So what is exactly trust according to her, if I go back in time I just can remember those moments where she promised and told me she won’t cheat but did for 8 years running now and a new spare phone. My father claims to be orthodox, so where was being orthodox when he made my mother pregnant at 19 and then had a nice relation with his secretary. I have to conclude that they are ‘parents’ and they are always ‘right’. I know we live in the Indian society with a different set of norms separate from that of the west. Then why are we even trying to adapt the west in part of clothing and eating, if we cannot even merely accept two people kissing. Hypocrisy is what I call it. No there is nothing wrong in what I have done after what I have seen in my 20 years of a failed marriage of my parents. I have never made my parents proud is what they claim, fine I haven’t, I never will. I live for myself, is what I’ve learned from them. Who are we to decide what is right and what is wrong? Many of you are already judging me after reading this, please go ahead but do introspect and answer what I’ve asked, were I wrong?